So...

The confusion sets in. I think there comes a time in everyone's life when they have to decide where they want to go and what they want to do. Yet it seems to me that some people don't ever know where or what this is. I am one of these people. I want to do a great many things, but unfortunately lack the time and funds to proceed - that's the kicker...I watch people with less time and less funds do everything they want to do; just throw caution into the wind and know if they fail, tomorrow is another day and they will work though it. So it comes to my attention that I may just be lazy and scared - the worst combo by the way.

Every time I get down at work, this is my thought process: I should just quit and become a waitress and not have to work set hours, yet I don't know if I would be able to pay the bills, and ugh, in this economy? I do really want to be a teacher, maybe I could just waitress until I can pass my AEPA and get my Teacher in Residence position, that would be good...maybe I'll go to jobing.com and see what is out there. What if Chris and I decide to move? I should just wait it out until we know that, maybe I'll go to bostonworks.com and see what is out there in Massachusetts.

All this time I spend planning a life that doesn't exist instead of working with the life I am living. This, I fear, is going to be a problem, isn't that the first step...admitting that there is a problem? I keep thinking to myself that 2008 has been just awful; full of sickness, divorce, and death; for sure 2009 has to be better. I feel like I may be wishing a good part of my life away for hopes of something better in the future.

I wish there were some antidote for people like me that would prevent me from being able to think about the future and force me to live right now. I'm working on it - every day. I am tired of finding myself down in the dumps because I feel as if this is it...as good as it is going to be. I should feel happy that it can get this good.